Unity Wine — Something New

We have all seen unity candles. Fairly new is unity sand. For the first time ever, I did unity wine.

Early in the ceremony, connected with memorial candles and flowers for mothers, I said:

Mark and Tiger, you have chosen at this time to have your mothers come up and fill the cups you will use later for your unity wine.

The two mothers poured wine from a carafe into a lovely, clear wine glass.

Later, when a couple normally lights the center unity candle or pours the sand, I said:

As Mark and Tiger share from the Unity Cup, they share in the joy that is created when two people make a lifelong promise to each other. The two small cups represent their two lives. The center cup symbolizes their wish to unite the marriage.

Earlier, your mothers filled your individual cups.

Mark and Tiger, your life has been shaped and filled by your family, so it is a family member who has filled each of your cups.

Now you two will pour HALF the wine from your individual cups in the Unity Cup.

Wine from each up is added equally to the Unity Cup, symbolizing the equal sacrifice you both happily make to create your marriage. There are two reasons that not all the wine in your cups is used.

• First, this is a reminder that while you are joined together, you continue to be individuals. Your individuality is what first attracted you to each other and what continues to draw you together. So, celebrate your individuality and treasure each other’s uniqueness.
• Second, your family has helped to fill your cup through the years, making you the people you are today, and they will continue to shape your lives. Just as the wine poured by your family remains in your individual cups, so the bond you have with your family will remain as well.

In your marriage, as in this wine ceremony, may each of your lives be perfectly combined together (gesture to the Unity Cup). And may your individuality remain cherished  (gesture to the individual cups). As you share from this Unity Cup, may it be a symbol of your commitment to each other, to your family, and to your marriage.

(The Officiant passes the Unity Cup to the Bride and Groom.)

There are more religious versions — different not in actions but in the explanation — as well.

For a couple looking for something new or different, this is worth considering. It works nicely.

Read Mark and Tiger’s proposal story – which I shared with their 100+ guests at the historic Hotel Baker — on my blog. She visits THE ring daily at the jewelry store — until, one day, it’s gone!

See why two photographers are better than one — with proof — on my blog. It features the good looking couple, Mark and Tiger.

She Visits THE Ring at the Store Daily. Then it’s Gone!

How did Mark propose to Tiger?

She worked at the Apple Store at Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg. She finds a ring she likes at CD Peacock — directly below her store. It’s THE ring she hopes to receive — someday. She visits it often on her lunch break.

One day, it’s gone. They tell her it was shipped to another store — they needed that size. Mark had set it up with the store to tell her that. She thought of the ring no more — they had convinced her it was gone.

Mark had, of course, bought it. He asks her dad for permission to marry his daughter. Her parents are in the know.

December 11, 2008 Her mom makes up a story that her car is broken. So, mom has to drive her to work. Working at the Apple Store is stressful.

She is surprised to see him at the end of her shift. She can not remember where she parked the car. “You didn’t drive to work this morning,” he reminds her. “I’m taking you to Galena for your birthday.” They stop by her parent’s home so she can pack. They head off the bed and breakfast.

Friday morning, they have breakfast at the B&B. The owners tell them about a picturesque trail behind the building. It’s sunny and bright, snow is on the ground, it’s upper 40’s. They go up the trail. They sit on a bench at the top of the ridge. It’s a beautiful view. They sit in silence, enjoying the view.

He expresses his love for her. As he moves to get down on one knee, she realizes, “This is it! It’s actually happening!” He gets down on one knee — in the snow. “Tiger Katherine Noelle, will you marry me?”

She says “Yes” with a big giggle afterward, a squeal. She swore to herself she would not cry. She tears up — a bit.

He puts the ring on her finger. She gives him a bone crushing hug and a passionate kiss. It is very romantic and peaceful.

They have another day and night in Galena. She mostly keeps staring at the ring.

+++++++++++

I told this part of their love story earlier this month to 100+ guests — they loved it — at the historic  Hotel Baker in St. Charles, right on the Fox River. Mary Laman did a wonderful job of taking care of all of us.

Yes, Tiger is the bride’s legal first name. She went through the hassle of legally changing it.

The couple did something unusual — they had the ceremony indoors even though it is pretty along the river. I so appreciate that. All of us — bride, groom, bridesmaids, groomsmen and, yes, me — look better in the photos when it’s 72 degrees inside vs. being hot and sweaty in 85 degree weather outside.

Read about the Unity Wine – which I did for the first time — that Mark and Tiger did at their wedding.

See why two photographers are better than one — with proof — on my blog. It features the good looking couple, Mark and Tiger.

The Most Elegant Wedding This Year — for 20

When you think of a Sunday evening wedding for 20 people — including the bride and groom — you think of a couple doing something simple, off peak, small.  Last weekend, Linbin and Xueping (pronounced “Shray-ping”) executed the most elegant ceremony I have done so far this year.  (And that is saying something.)

They had exclusive use of the lovely Cuneo Mansion & Gardens in Vernon Hills. That’s a good start.

It was a very hot day with bright sunshine angled right in the eyes of the bridesmaids, best man and me. But by the time the ceremony started, a bit late, the sun had set behind the trees. There was still a bit of light shining on the road when the bride entered on a horse drawn carriage! Notice her veil in the sunlight.

The bride and her father walked down a path with columns and beautiful flowers.

After they exchanged their vows, in English, they spoke of their love for each other in Mandarin — so their parents, who live in China and only speak Mandarin — could understand what was being said. (I love multi-cultural wedding ceremonies.) Notice the beautiful white draped backdrop with purple flowers (the color of the day) draped across the top.

A string trio led by the wonderful Paul Ghica serenaded us with music — while waiting, during the ceremony and during cocktails and hors d’ouerves. Genevieve Manning of Kenmare Catering did a lot of running around to attend to the myriad details of this event. She made it all come together. Well done. The photos, done beautifully and quickly, are by Adrian Natase of Adriannastse Photography, Inc. Thank you, Adrian.

The evening ended with the reception inside the mansion.

The bride, Linbin, e-mailed me on Tuesday. “What a wonderful ceremony you did at our wedding! Everything was beautiful and amazing. Xueping and I are both very glad that we chose your company and you as our officiant.”

I love what I do.

And You Thought YOUR Wedding Planning Was Complicated…

The wedding, set for July 31, is so cloaked in secrecy that in Washington, where the mother of the bride holds down a day job running international diplomacy for President Obama, details are harder to ferret out than the president’s Afghanistan strategy. Even guests do not know the locale; invitations came with instructions to be within driving distance of Manhattan, plus a promise that specifics would be sent a week before the big day.

The couple? Chelsea Clinton, 30, and Marc Mezvinsky, 32, “an investment banker at 3G Capital Management and a son of two former Democratic members of Congress, one of whom served prison time for fraud.”

Read the full story about the social event of the year in the New York Times. Sorry to say, they did not ask me to officiate :>(

Who Will Marry You if Your Officiant is Sick?

On Saturday, I got a call from a groom. Could I officiate at their wedding the very next day? Their officiant was sick with the flu — and had no back up.

A bride asked me today on the phone, “So, who will marry us if you get sick, if you are not available?”

Another wedding minister told me he has gotten a rash of calls recently from brides where the officiant — a relative like an uncle, even a priest — said they could no longer officiate at their wedding this summer.

What would you do?

Well, I have a team of 5 ministers I refer weddings to when I am already booked. They also can back me up, if I got sick. Because I work off a script — approved in advance by most couples — they would do exactly what was planned. They don’t have to guess what vows or readings you want. They would share the couple’s love story just as written. It would cost you nothing (I would pay them for their time.)

Thanks be to God in over 6 years of doing weddings full-time, I have never missed a wedding — ever.

As for Sunday’s wedding? I was available to do the wedding at the beautiful Galleria Marchetti in Chicago. I thank them for giving the groom my info. It went very well.

A Sweet Proposal Story Involving Bride’s 3 Year Old Daughter

On Saturday, I told this sweet proposal story to 175 guests.

How did Travis propose to Elizabeth?

She knew it was coming — they had looked at rings together — but not when. The center diamond is the stone her dad gave her mom the day Elizabeth was born, to be hers one day.

April 2009, Travis buys the ring and hides it in his room. He is normally terrible at keeping secrets.

June — two months later — they both plan a trip to South Haven, Michigan. The three of them go — they rent a cottage on the lake. His plan is to propose at sunset on the beach.

After a full day of swimming, they are all yawning. At 6:00pm, Gracyn (the 3 year old daughter of the bride) says, “I want to go to bed.” She has never said those words since.

He looks online — the sunset is at 9:51pm (Michigan is in the Eastern time zone). He wasn’t going to stay awake that long. He wants Gracyn to be there for the proposal. The next day, other family members were going to come.

Earlier in the day, coins had fallen out of his pocket when he was lying on the floor. Gracyn picks them up, calls them her treasure and plays with them.

So, now, he says, “Gracyn, I’ve found another piece of treasure.” She puts her hands out. The coins are in it. He puts the ring in her hand. She gets wide-eyed. She closes her hands and walks over to her mother. Gracyn knows exactly what is going on.

Elizabeth is in the living room — but oblivious. He whispers to her, “Go give it to mommy.” Elizabeth is only a few feet away, watching TV. She doesn’t hear their interaction.

Gracyn walks over and puts just the ring on her mom’s stomach. Elizabeth turns to Travis and says, “What is this?!” Then he gets down on one knee. He says a few words. He ends with “Will you marry me?”

She says yes and starts to cry.

“Mommy, why are you crying?”

“I’m happy. Travis is going to marry us.”

I got choked up telling it. And I had written the story.

While I am telling this story, Gracyn, the girl of honor, now 4,  is standing a few feet away from me.  For some of the wedding she is standing between the matron of honor and me. Some of the time she is standing next to her mom, the bride. Some of the time, she is sitting in the first row next to her grandparents. Regardless, she is adorable.

Gracyn participated in the unity sand ceremony too, pouring her color on top of her mother’s.

The wedding was at the historic Lily Reid Holt Memorial Chapel on the campus of Lake Forest College. There are Tiffany stained glass windows and ceiling lights. Faye Kelly, Director of Special Events, is there for the entire rehearsal and ceremony — a rare thing for a person in that role. It really helps the couple, it really helps me. She’s great.

Are Marriage Statistics Divorced from Reality?

Do half of all marriages really end in divorce? It’s probably the most often quoted statistic about modern love, and it’s a total buzz kill, in line with saying that half of all new shoes will give you hammertoes or that 50% of babies will grow up to be ugly. Now the divorce stat is coming under scrutiny — and not just because of its unromanticity.

According to research at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School, one of the clearest predictors of whether wedding vows will stick is the age of the people saying them.

Pam and I were married in 1984. They found that of couples who got married in the 80′s:

• 81% of college graduates who got hitched in that decade at age 26 or older were still married 20 years later.
• 65% of college grads who said “I do” before their 26th birthday made it that far.

Pam and I were both just out of college at age 22 (which seems so young now; we thought we knew the world back then.)

The national average age for couples marrying is rising. According to this article, that’s a good thin. They’re more likely to stay married.

Read the entire Time magazine article.

Wedding Cake — and Tons of Homemade Cookies!

Every reception has a wedding cake (or two). Some have chocolate fountains. A few have a whole dessert table. (Good thing calories don’t count at weddings :>)

But last weekend, I got to experience something that is common in Pittsburgh (read my blog entry about that) but I have never seen before at a Chicago area wedding — tons of homemade cookies!

We ate the refreshingly moist wedding cake. Then, as the evening went on, I heard people wonder out loud, “When are the cookies going to be served?”

Now, in Pittsburgh, a bunch of the couple’s relatives bake and bake and bake more cookies.

At the Westin Chicago Northwest in Itasca last weekend, we all ate the cookies of one woman — Karen. There were, I don’t know, 100 of 7 different kinds of cookies! All made from scratch in the previous 3 days.

Karen is known for her cookies. When she shows up at some place, everyone wants to know if she brought cookies. If she can not make an event, they want to know if she can send cookies anyway! I now know why. They are amazing.

Best yet — Karen brought bags for us to take cookies home.  People joked about having gallon bags to tote them home in. “Take two bags,” Karen told me. I just took one really full quart size bag. And shared them with my wife. And ate more.

It was a labor of love. Karen and the bride’s parents have been good friends for decades. Their daughters have been good friends since age six.

Best Man Got Them Together, Maid of Honor Made the Proposal Special

Ever wonder who to have as the best man or the maid/matron of honor? One clue — they figure prominently in your love story.  Enjoy this love story I shared with 300 guests last weekend.

How did Amanda and Sean’s love story begin?

The met May of 2006. Kevin, the best man and the groom’s brother, owned an Italian restaurant in the northwest suburbs.

She got hired as the phone girl.

There was an art fair in Park Ridge — the restaurant sold pizza by the slice. Sean worked at the event. So did Amanda. It was really hot — 100 degrees and humid.

HER 1^st impression — oh, Kevin’s little brother. HIS 1^st impression — oh, the phone girl.

They exchange phone numbers that day — but with NO romantic intentions. They become friends.  She thinks he is too young. He thinks she is too old.

One night, they’re with a group of friends at Nick’s Pub. It’s for her 25^th birthday. He lies and says he is not coming home from college for the party. When he shows up, she is surprised — in a good way.

SHE kisses him that evening. But nothing changes between them — for 8 months.

May 2007 — a year after they first meet. He comes home from college for the summer. They spend lots of time together, constantly.

One night, at a bar, they start joking around. “You don’t really want to date me,” she says. “Yea, I do,” he replies. She is floored — she had no idea. Then he leaves — on a family vacation, for a week.

They have been dating ever since.

How did Sean propose to Amanda?

It was June 28, 2009. She had no idea the proposal was coming.

Her grandfather was in declining health. On Sunday, Grandpa is put in hospice.

On Monday, Sean takes her out to dinner. She thought it was to cheer her up. She picked the place — Eliott’s. She got crab legs.

She did not notice if he was acting different or not. He’s stalling for time. They have dinner. And dessert. Then he orders another beer. That did seem odd to her — but she was still clueless. He needs one hour. The hour has passed.

They go home. They come in the back door. Tealight candles line the back hallway. She starts to panic. In the kitchen, champagne and roses are on one counter. More candles are on another counter. On the kitchen table is an 8×10 photo of them. There are more candles around that.

This was all set up by Diana, the maid of honor, in one hour. He had drawn up a diagram — but he had put it in his bag, she could not find it. Sean says she did a better job than he drew up. Tom, her boyfriend, helped her.

In the kitchen, Sean gets down on one knee. He holds the ring box — closed and upside down! He has a speech prepared — but he’s too nervous to say it. “I love you more than you can imagine. “Will you marry me?” Immediately, she says “Yes”.  Then she snatches the ring — and puts it on herself.

As you can imagine, there was a lot of laughter by their guests. (I get that all the time.)

This was shared indoors — it was supposed to be outdoors but 30 minutes before the ceremony began it rained hard with strong winds — at the Westin Chicago Northwest in Itasca with the wonderful Susan Johnson arranging it all.

The couple was kind enough to invite me to stay for the reception and sit at the bride’s parent’s table. It was a lot of fun.

Why the Chinese-American Couple Had 2 Wedding Cakes

Junjun and Yilin — both born in China, met at the University of Chicago — had two wedding cakes that each had the Chinese word for happiness. In fact, each cake had two symbols of happiness — representing double happiness.

Double Happiness

I ate a slice of one cake. It was delicious. I figured the other cake was to make sure everyone had some. No! We were served another slice from the second cake.

The first cake represented double happiness for the couple. The second cake represented double happiness for the children they hope to have. So, we had to eat two. Oh, and then there was the delicious egg cream mini-pie. I actually had a sugar buzz going. But what joy!

As a friend of mine told me on Sunday at church, “You have the most interesting experiences and meet the nicest people.” I do!

The wedding was last Saturday at Promontory Point — a beautiful park near the Museum of Science and Industry, near the University of Chicago. The park juts out into Lake Michigan, so three sides are surrounded by water.



How Your Guests Might Feel About a Summer Holiday Weekend Wedding

We choose the date of our wedding that works best for us — and for our guests. Or is it? A recent New York Times article suggests how guests might respond to a wedding on a summer holiday weekend.

Family and close friends will wish them every happiness, but they may also wish that the couples had chosen a different weekend.

“People got punched by blizzards this winter,” said Linnyette Richardson-Hall, a wedding planner in Baltimore. “They can’t wait for summer. If you decide to get married on one of those long weekends, a lot of people are going to be like, ‘Are you serious?’ ”

Memorial Day, 4th of July and Labor Day are popular weekends to get married. I always have a lot of weddings those weekends.

It can be a complicated calculus. The three-day weekend offers extra time for friends and family traveling far. It also means those guests won’t have to take a day off from work for the wedding. But holiday-weekend wedding invitations create conflicts — emotional and otherwise — for those with longstanding plans: opening a summer cottage, or hosting a Fourth of July barbecue or an end-of-summer picnic.

So, think about your wedding date from your guests’ perspective. Then, ultimately, you decide. Send those save-the-date cards early. And those who want to come will and those who don’t can RSVP no. But you may get a higher percentage of no’s on those weekends.

What was your experience? Did you avoid these weekends? For those who had a wedding then, did you have more grumbling or fewer guests? Please comment below.

Brides, Take Time Off Before the Wedding, if Possible

If you are going on a honeymoon, you want all the time off you can get for that. That’s understandable.

But, brides,  consider taking some vacation time BEFORE the wedding, if possible.

As organized as you are — and I work with some amazingly organized brides, it helps me a lot — there will still be more last minute things to do. If you’re still at work AND have to get those done, your stress level is going to go way up. If you have all those things to do but are on vacation, it will be much calmer. Likely, you will be less stressed, better rested for your big wedding day.

You ought to enjoy your wedding day — from getting dressed through the ceremony, the photos and the reception. Being tired and stressed diminishes that.

Tami (you can read their funny meeting story here) took the week off before her wedding and then a week+ off for their honeymoon. If you have that much vacation time, do it.

I am marrying a couple next month where the bride has too much time on her hands — she is unemployed and frustrated by not being able to get a job. (All too typical, sadly, in this economy.)

I know, I’m letting grooms off the hook. But, typically, they’re not the ones doing these last minute things. (It’s not right but the way it usually is.) If your groom is, consider yourself a fortunate bride.

What’s your advice, brides who are married? What would you have done differently (if anything)?

They Meet. He Does Nothing, Dating-wise, for 4 Years!

So, how did Tami and Wayne’s love story begin?

It was the summer of 2002. It was a tae kwon do class at Currie High School in Chicago. He had been taking classes for 6 years. He met her mom, DiAnee, in the class — 3 years before he met Tami!

Her mom invited Wayne to Tami’s apartment housewarming in 2002. He did not feel comfortable since he had never met her.

Tami joins the class he is in. She had been doing tae kwon do by this teacher at another location. He is in the back of the class — but does NOT say anything.

His first impression — she’s really cute. A group goes out for dinner. At dinner, DiAnne calls her daughter, “My little Tam Tam” That’s when he gets it — Tami is DiAnne’s daughter!

They continue in the class together. They get along well. They go out on group dinners a lot. They poke fun at each other. As for dating, he does NOTHING — for 4 years!

He did not date her because she only dated jerks — and he is not one. And he is shy.

SHE notices him more and more in class. She misses him when he is not there. When he is there, she has a celebratory moment in her mind. She thinks about him more — he’s cute but quiet. She gives clues that she is interested in him. He remains OBLIVOUS to any and all signals. She sits next to him at dinner one evening. She brushes across him — he is STILL clueless. He just thinks she needs more room.

So, finally, she decides that SHE is going to have to approach him. In the parking lot, after class, she nervously says, “I have a crush on you.” His expression does NOT change. She does not know how he feels. Not sure if she was not into her — or gay. 3 seconds later — it was an eternity to her — he says, “That’s great!” He hugs her. She exhausted.

They start dating. Their first kiss was on their 3^rd date.

“Our story is not very funny,” Tami told me before we met. She’s changed her mind. I told this story to much laughter, as you can imagine, at Maggiano’s Little Italy in Schaumburg on Saturday. The bride’s sister, the maid of honor, is the director of banquet sales there. She did a great job of being the maid of honor, not an employee that evening. The food was wonderful and non-stop, as were the desserts.

To see videos of other couples’ stories being told, click here.

Groom Messes Up Ring Exchange

A perfect wedding is a boring wedding.

As part of the ring exchange, I say to the groom, “With all that I am” and he repeats it to the bride. For the first time ever, Ken says to Donna, “I am the lamb.”

I repeat, “With all that I am”. Ken says to the bride, “With all that I am.” Donna is cracking up. So are the guests.

Bride with groom who said, twice, "I am the lamb."

I enunciate even more clearly, “With all that I am.” Ken says it correctly! Whew.

The couple had the script 10 days before the wedding, so he had seen it before. Nerves.

In a thank you note, Ken wrote that ‘Everyone was making fun of me” about the mistake. “I’m going to have to live with that one for a long time.”

Yes, he will.  But it will be a fun story to tell for years to come.

This happened at Avalon Banquets in Elk Grove with Karen doing a great job making sure everything was just right. There was so much food and even more desserts!

To find out more about vows during the ceremony, go to http://iDoWeddings.TV/vows.html

Symmetrical Dates for Weddings — 11/11/11 at 11:11am

I just booked a wedding for 11/11/11 to begin at 11:11am. The Friday morning wedding will take place at the wonderful Chevy Chase Country Club in Wheeling.

I have weddings on 10/10/10 (but none at 10:00am). It’s a Sunday. The ceremony is at a chapel in Oak Brook

9/9/9 was a Wednesday. So, I did no weddings. But I heard Las Vegas was especially busy that day.

8/8/8 is considered a lucky day in Asian cultures. Without realizing that, I planned a family reunion in ’04 for that date. Ooops. But a couple of the six ministers on my team did weddings that day.

The biggest day of its kind, by far, was 7/7/7. It is considered to be a lucky number by many. And it was a Saturday. Bingo! I ended up doing 5 weddings that day — and turning down a ton more requests. I ended up on page one of the Sunday Chicago Tribune, on CBS2 News, ABC7 News and FOX32 News (morning and at 9:00pm, the funniest)! It was a hot, tiring but wonderful day.

All of these promise an anniversary date the groom can’t forget. If he does, he deserves to be in trouble :>)

For those looking ahead, 12/12/12 is a Wednesday. And I’m available!

The Pain of Losing a Spouse is Singular

When we marry “till death do us part,” do we really expect to be parted by death? I know several women who lost their husbands after relatively brief marriages, forcing them to raise young children on their own. I thought I could imagine their pain and anger at the unfairness of it all. But I also knew they could not afford to wallow in grief, if for no other reason than that their children needed them to be emotionally intact.

But after the children have moved away and have children of their own, a spouse’s death leaves an emptiness that is hard to fill. There’s no one in the house with whom to share the events of the day, discuss the broken pipes and rotten politics, relish the antics and achievements of the grandchildren.

So writes New York Times Wellness columnist Jane Brody in a touching tribute about her husband. The column she wrote is very much worth reading.

It reminds me of that amazing, wordless 4 minute montage in the Oscar-winning Pixar movie Up. That scene shows the couple getting married and going through the ups and downs of marriage ending in the wife’s death. I can not see that sequence without tearing up.

I have been married almost 26 years. I can’t imagine life without Pam. Because of our work schedules — she works a normal 9-5 type job, I am out so many evenings and weekends with weddings — we don’t see as much of each other as many couples. But to know that we will be together for our “Friday evening” — an evening together to reconnect, share about life, share food and wine — even if ends up being on Sunday evening is priceless.

May we all aspire to long marriages of contentment and joy. (Oh, trust me, there will be plenty of challenges and disagreements along the way.) But let’s honor our vows — “as long as we both shall live.”

Burden of Paying for Wedding Bells Shifts

When it comes to paying for a wedding while remaining financially afloat, today’s rule is all hands on deck.

Couples are relying not only on the kindness of the bride’s parents, who have traditionally borne most of the burden, but also on that of the bridegroom’s parents, along with the couple’s stepparents and even grandparents, aunts and uncles.

With the average American wedding running north of $28,000, according to the 2009 Condé Nast American Wedding Survey, and significantly more in major cities, most everybody must now chip in. And even as the nation seeks to shake off a deep recession, this is a trend that’s likely to stick long after the employment figures rebound.

David M. Wood III, president of the Association of Bridal Consultants, estimated that only about 10 percent of weddings are now wholly paid for by the bride’s parents, down from the 20 percent figure that the association reported from a 2003 survey.

Mr. Wood also estimated that 33 percent of weddings are now financed by the bride and bridegroom alone, up from 27 percent in the earlier survey.

When Pam and I got married 25+ years ago, we were just out of college with no money. The ceremony was at a church. The reception was in my in-laws large yard (formerly owned by Pam’s grandparents.) It was tricky — my stepdad wanted to invite business colleagues we did not know, resulting in Pam reducing her list. He offered to pay for a band — and then got an ooom-pa-pah band, which he liked, which was definitely not our first choice. But money rules. Still, it was a nice event done for not-so-much money. And we were married! (My stepdad died of cancer a few years later.)

Read the entire New York Times article here.

Wish Upon a Wedding — Weddings for People with Life Threatening Illness

I am now a part of Wish Upon a Wedding — the only national not-for-profit wish granting organization for weddings. It’s a new organization, started in January. Couples where one person is facing a life-threatening illness can request a wedding.

After a wish is granted, a lot of really high quality Chicago area professionals will volunteer their services to do a fairly quick but remarkable wedding. I am the second officiant in the Chicago group.  We are necessary. No one is married until I say so, my favorite part :>)

Couples, consider donating to this cause instead of party favors. And then tell your guests that is what you are doing.

See a video of the first couple, Beth and Nick, who will benefit from the Chicago chapter’s generosity. (I’m not officiating this one. I was not a part of the group when this was set up.)

Know someone who has this as their wish? Have them apply online.

Get more information on the Chicago page of Wish Upon a Wedding. The president is the wonderful Ali Phillips.

I Love Weekday Weddings

I love weekday weddings — defined as a wedding on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday (that is not a major holiday).

This week, on St. Patrick’s Day — a Wednesday — I married a couple at the bride’s mom’s  home in Chicago. They are both Irish. It’s an anniversary he can’t forget! The best man was the bride’s 6 year old son. The ring bearer — holding the real rings on top of the pillow — was the bride’s 4 year old son. The couple were high school sweethearts now, many years later, reunited. The groom’s mom said afterward that she had been waiting 20 years for this! The wedding cake was unbelievable — a rich, creamy white chocolate mousse cake from Rosewood Restaurant. I’ve married a couple there. I’ve eaten there several times. I never had this — which I’m told is on the menu. 15 friends and family were there.

In January, I married a couple on a Wednesday in the afternoon on the Ledge at the Willis Tower (in my mind, it’s still the Sears Tower) Skydeck. We could only do the wedding on the Ledge because it was such an off-peak time. That was amazing. Read the blog entry about that ceremony.

Last year, I was fortunate enough to marry couples on a:

• Monday on Kanan Cruises at Navy Pier
• Monday on Spirit of Chicago boat at Navy Pier
• Tuesday at the Main Beach at Crystal Lake
• Thursday at Meson Sabika in Naperville
• Wednesday at a home in Schaumburg
• Thursday at Volo Restaurant & Wine Bar in Chicago

You will have great availability for the location of your choice it’s on a weekday. I will be available (though the Volo Restaurant & Bar almost conflicted with a rehearsal already scheduled.) And you will get a discount (even with me.)

The number of guests tends to be smaller. But that can often be good. It certainly is less expensive.

Everyone, it seems, wants a Saturday at 5:00pm wedding. Consider an alternative. Consider a weekday.

“Chicago Brides Shop Smart…”

Wedding costs have gone down 5% last year according to The Knot, according to an article called “Chicago Brides Shop Smart but Keep Wedding Industry Buzzing”.

Carley Roney, editor in chief of The Knot Inc., said in a press release, “Approximately one-third of brides who had a wedding in 2009 said the economy had impacted their overall weddings.”

Roney added that brides were “thoughtfully cutting back” while planning their dream weddings.

Brides have to choose what’s most important to them.

Brides have been cutting back while keeping their “hot-button” items on top of their priority list, said Jessica McLean, sales consultant at Blue Plate, a catering and event management company. “One bride I worked with needed a fabulous couture gown, but was happy with simple candles rather than full floral center pieces. Another eschewed upgraded linens so that she could include a fabulous sweets table,” she said.

That’s true even in good times, yet alone during this economy.

I hope (OK, I admit, selfishly) that couples will realize that the ceremony is the part of the wedding day that matters the most, will be the thing they remember in 10 or 20 years. (Who can recall what the food was at a wedding 20 years ago? Or what flowers they had? Or what songs were played?) Weddings do not have to be boring. By my telling the couple’s story, it never is.

What is THE most important thing for you? What’s YOUR hot button item? Comment below.

She Recruits for Him at Work. She Decides to Recruit Him!

So, how did Meghan and Sean’s love story begin?

It was February 2007. He was a manager based in Indianapolis. She was a recruiter in Westmont for the same company. She filled positions he needed filled at branches in the 4 branches he oversaw.

They talked on the phone for months — it was strictly business — for HIM. She decided she wanted to recruit him. She loved his sense of humor.

She goes to the security office and has the security administrator show her his ID picture. Her 1^st impression — he’s cute — in spite of the fact that the photo looked like a mug shot.

February 2008 — their first meeting is in Westmont. He is working at the branch office. The person at the branch office convinces him to go to the corporate office, 5 blocks away. She had set it up to meet him! He is annoyed — he is busy and not sure why he is going to the corporate office. He introduces himself to her. He says, “Hi”, gets a phone call on his cell phone — and walks away.

HIS 1^st impression — he put a face to a person. There was no more interaction that day.

A few days later, she asks, on a conference call, for his help at a job fair — on a weekend. She does NOT need his help — just wants him there. “No, I’m going home for the weekend,” he says. She is disappointed.

The following week, the Stalker invites him to the auto show and offers to show him around Chicago. He declines — to take care of his cat at home. She thinks he has no interest in her.

She has a bamboo plant on her desk. She would talk about it on the phone with him. She says she will buy one for him the next time he comes up. He FINALLY puts 2 and 2 together. He gets the hint. He gives her his cell phone number. “If you want to call me outside of work, call me.” The next day, she sends him a text message. She is too nervous to call him. She does not know what to say.

They start talking more and more outside of work — 3 hour conversations, for a month. They set up a time to meet. He drives to Westmont from Indianapolis on a Friday. They do not have a first date, they are going to have a first WEEKEND.

She does NOT get him a bamboo plant.

It goes well — for 90 minutes. She goes home. 3 hours go by. He calls her, “Should I just go home?” “No,” she says, “I’m coming back.” They have been dating ever since — he came from Indy to Chicagoland every weekend.

I told this story last weekend at Meghan and Sean’s wedding at the historic Old Stone Church in Lemont. There was much laughter — especially when I called the bride a Stalker (with her permission.)

At their reception at Ruffled Feathers Country Club, also in Lemont, they gave every guest a bamboo plant. That would not have made sense without me telling their story at their wedding. But what a neat synergy between their ceremony and their reception!

By the way, the church is open to anyone to get married in. It’s owned by the Lemont Historical Society.

Wedding Gifts — $$ vs. Registry

From the New York Times “Social Q’s” column on Sunday:

My daughter is getting married. Rather than receive lots of stuff they don’t need, she and her fiancé would prefer the money go toward a down payment on a home. Apparently, some Web sites facilitate this. But the idea feels too “ka-ching” to me — even if the couple say gifts are not necessary. What do you think?

Marian, Philadelphia

I’m afraid the S. S. Gift Me has long-since sailed on using the Web to buy and send wedding presents. Happens every day — and why shouldn’t it? As much as I love your quaint notion that a wedding’s soundtrack be something other than “ka-ching,” neither you nor I (not even Cher) can turn back time.

Still, you raise an interesting question: Is there a difference between asking for a Steuben figurine in the shape of a napping cat or asking for $120 toward a down payment on a house?

I don’t think so. Registries are merely suggestions; we’re not obliged to select from them. Indeed, the gift itself is voluntary — though many couples seem to take them as their birthright.

So, as sad as Tiffany & Company may be to hear it, I’d happily receive an invitation that reminded me that gifting is my prerogative, but if I choose to give, the bride and groom would sensibly prefer a dollar toward their dream, rather than some silly knickknacks that will only gather dust until their (future) children break it in a rousing game of laser tag.

I don’t know of anyone who goes to a wedding without a gift. But it’s still that — a gift. To me, gift registries for a down payment on a house or for an experience on the honeymoon seem as valid as asking for some thing from Crate & Barrel.

Have everything you need already (especially if it’s not your first wedding)? Do a gift registry for charity! Let people donate to your favorite cause(s).

Wedding Movie: Jump a Broom or Eat Goat?

There’s a new wedding movie out on Friday with a twist.

“Wedding films are always about the differences between people,” Rick Famuyiwa, the movie’s director, said. “But they haven’t quite dealt with African-Americans and Latinos.”

The film funnels that idea through another wedding-movie staple: the grumbling dad. The father of the bride (Mr. Mencia) and the father of the groom (Mr. Whitaker) have a random run-in before meeting through their kids: Mr. Mencia’s character, who owns an auto shop, tows the car belonging to Mr. Whitaker’s character from a no-parking zone. The incident sparks hostility that manifests itself throughout the film with ethnic digs.

Few similar films explore the personal lives of the bride’s or groom’s parents, but Mr. Famuyiwa makes time to plumb the state of both fathers’ romantic relationships. And while most wedding movies orbit around the bride, Ms. Ferrera’s Lucia hardly hogs the spotlight, partly because “her wedding isn’t the most important thing in her life,” as Ms. Ferrera said.

I have learned a lot doing different ethnic customs at weddings — lazzo (rope in figure eight) around the couple, coins, crowns, breaking of the glass and more. As long as it does not violate my Christian faith — and so far it never has — I’m happy to participate and have the family’s heritage expressed at the wedding. After all, weddings are the merger of two families, not just two individuals

I’ll wait for the reviews for “Our Family Wedding.” But I hope they’re good. I’m a sucker for a wedding movie. (But the officiant is rarely shown yet alone a full-fledged character.)

Read the entire New York Times article here.

Would You Get Your Hair Done at a Hardware Store?

From a blog by David Rothstein of David Rothstein Music, Inc. (the bolding is mine):

If you injured your shoulder would you go to your mechanic?

If you needed to get your hair done would you go to a hardware store?

If you needed to have your computer fixed would you call your dentist?

Then why would you consider having your uncle do the video for your wedding?

This applies to ALL your wedding vendors.

There’s a reason why wedding vendors are considered professionals. Each of them has spent years developing their skills to become experts at what they do. They have invested thousands of dollars purchasing the highest quality equipment available. Each one of them is dedicated to their craft.

I realize having your uncle shoot video for free seems like a great way to save money. He’s a great guy and you know how much you love your favorite uncle. Plus, it’s such a nice gesture from him.

Now, imagine the wedding is over and you’re excited to see the video. Unfortunately, the battery wasn’t charged up for your first dance, the lighting was too low to make out people’s faces and the audio was cutting out during your dad’s touching toast. Then, he missed that special dance with all your girlfriends since he was busy catching up with your brother about his new job.

How are you going to feel when you get this video back? How is your relationship going to be with your dear uncle? 10 years later when your family is gathered for Thanksgiving and they start talking about your wedding, how awkward will it be when someone asks about the video? Will you remember how much money you saved? Probably not. What you’ll remember is your regret about not spending the money to hire a professional.

Here’s the solution:

Let your friends and relatives be your guests at the wedding. Hire the very best professionals you can afford. They will give you the best results every time.

Take your bad shoulder to your doctor.

Get your hair done at your favorite salon.

Call your IT guy to fix your computer.

Hiring professionals is expensive, but NOT hiring them is far more expensive.

It is legal to have your uncle “get ordained” online. But does he know anything about how to plan a wedding, lead a rehearsal, deal with situations that come up or speak well in public? Well, he probably does the last one — that’s one reason you considered asking him.

Not infrequently, I am asked at the end of the wedding, “Are you the bride’s minister or the groom’s?” I explain that I’m a full time wedding minister. This is best summed up by Bonnie & Bob, whom I married at Martinique Banquets in Burbank. They commented,  “Everyone asked if you were a ‘friend of the family’.  We both responded that all of the time you spent on the phone, e-mails, and in person at the wedding certainly made you a cherished part of our family now. We couldn’t have been happier.” Isn’t that what you want to say at the end of your wedding day? “We couldn’t have been happier.”

Engaged at 17. How to Tell Mom Wedding is in 6 Weeks.

Last weekend, I told this story at Rebecca and Aaron’s wedding with over 100 guests at Chateau Bu’sche in Alsip. (No, the bride is NOT pregnant.)

How did Aaron propose to Rebecca?

She has no idea it’s coming.

December 19, 2009 — two months ago — they are at O’Hare airport. He is about to go to Texas for tech school for the Air Force. She has a pass that allows her to walk him to the gate.

They announce that his plane is boarding. Other passengers are boarding.

He is not on one knee with no ring, he says, “Baby, marry me.” It is more of a statement than a question. Right away, she says, “Yes.” They kiss.

He waits until everyone else has boarded — and then he gets on the airplane.

Now, she has to tell her mom.

She waits for a few weeks — January 9 at Uncle Joe’s house. Pam [the bride's mom] has a few Bacardi Limóns. Strategically, this is the moment Rebecca has been waiting for.

Not only does she tell her she’s engaged but that the wedding would be in 6 weeks — for that is when Aaron’s leave is. And he does not get much of it.

Pam is upset because she is so young — Rebecca turned 18 yesterday. But she will support her daughter, wants her to be happy. Pam knows she is serious about the engagement — but joking around about the date.

The next day, she realizes Rebecca is serious about the date, too. And here we are, 6 weeks later!

The audience awww’d and roared laughing. The bride’s mother, Pam, knew I was telling this  story.

Does Living Together Make it More or Less Likely You Will Stay Married?

Question: does living together make it more or less likely you will stay married? According to a new study, the answer is…

Couples who live together before they get married are less likely to stay married, a new study has found. But their chances improve if they were already engaged when they began living together.

The likelihood that a marriage would last for a decade or more decreased by six percentage points if the couple had cohabited first, the study found.

But you probably don’t believe it.

“From the perspective of many young adults, marrying without living together first seems quite foolish,” said Prof. Pamela J. Smock, a research professor at the Population Studies Center at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. “Just because some academic studies have shown that living together may increase the chance of divorce somewhat, young adults themselves don’t believe that.”

About the study.

The study of men and women ages 15 to 44 was done by the National Center for Health Statistics using data from the National Survey of Family Growth conducted in 2002. The authors define cohabitation as people who live with a sexual partner of the opposite sex.

Read the full article in the New York Times.

98% of couples I marry at hotels, banquet halls, country clubs, boats, homes, etc. live together.

My wife and I did not live together before we got married. We’ve been married for 25 years.  I will say, we were just out of college when we got married. It was not as common back then as it is today.

The Bible — God’s very words to us — gives the same wisdom as the study shows. Sex is for marriage. But once married, sex is to be enjoyed often! (Yes, that’s in the Bible! Check out 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, verses 3-5)

I will continue to happily marry couples who live together. I respect that it’s their choice. And I am glad they are getting married.

How to Figure Out Her Ring Size — When She has No Rings

Normally, a guy measures one of his girlfriend’s rings. He takes that measurement to the jewelry store. Well, what if you can’t find a ring of hers? Then how do you figure out her ring size?

Last weekend, I told this story to all the guests as part of the “how did Mike propose to Laura?” portion:

He needs to know her ring size. She has no rings — that he can find.

The salesman says to take a string and wrap it around her finger.

So, he waits for her to fall asleep. And then he wraps a string around her finger — her ring finger. She wakes up  but pretends to still be asleep. He does NOT know that until weeks later.

So, she knows it’s coming — but not when.

Being told by numerous friends not to take the ring through airport security, Mike proposes the day before their trip to Europe on the rooftop of their Chicago apartment.

The audience roared with laughter at the funny parts and aww’d at this part. The wedding was at the beautiful A New Leaf (oh, what they can do with candles), catered by the amazing Blue Plate.

Create a Separate E-Mail for Wedding Stuff

Here’s a tip for brides who are feeling overwhelmed with all the wedding emails. Create a seperate email address JUST for you things related to your wedding, bobandsue@gmail.com. Then when you request info from various vendors you can sort and reply to them much quicker. It will make the process MUCH more organized and… easier. You can seperate your wedding planning life from your regular life.

A helpful tip from David Rothstein of David Rothstein Music, Inc. on his Facebook page.

I find gmail to be very useful. And it’s free. (Well, there are ads to the side I always ignore.)

Honeymooning Abroad? How to Beat High Foreign Transaction Fees

Going out of the country for your honeymoon? You’ll need a passport. And a credit card or two.

This week, new laws went into effect regarding credit cards.

But here’s one fee that the new law didn’t limit, even though it has offended scores of consumers for at least a decade and adds up to hundreds of millions of dollars every year for the credit card companies: the foreign transaction or currency conversion fee.

Most big American banks hit you with these fees of up to 3 percent of every purchase when a merchant processes your credit or debit card purchase outside the United States. International travelers are most affected.

Given that the card companies don’t have to do all that much to turn yen and euro transactions into ones denominated in dollars, 3 percent seems a bit rich.

Credit cards charge 3% or more to use the card abroad.

Visa and MasterCard do charge banks 1% for processing. Banks add on 2 or more percentage points — because they can.

How to get around paying them? Well, two (and only two) offer no foreign transaction fee!

But if you don’t want to contribute to the card issuers’ bottom lines while you’re on vacation, there is a simple alternative. When you travel outside the United States or make purchases that originate there, use a credit card from Capital One, which charges nothing for the privilege. Or try the Schwab Invest First Visa, which works the same way. Cards from smaller banks or credit unions may have similar policies.

Read the rest of the very interesting article by the New York Times’ Your Money columnist, Ron Lieber.

Putting the Lock in Wedlock

Kansas is on the verge of joining 3 other states in putting the lock in wedlock — by having covenant marriage.

Couples voluntarily enter into a covenant marriage by agreeing to pre-marital counseling and setting up barriers to divorce.

Read more at the Kansas City Star newspaper.

Putting the lock in wedlock.

It’s easy to get married without thinking about all that comes after. When I meet with couples, I offer “Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts” book and workbook to couples at my cost. I make no profit. Only about 20% of couples buy it from me. (It could be they buy it later or use one of the other 3 resources on the pre-marital counseling page of my web site. But I doubt it.) Anything that gets couples to think about marriage (not just weddings) is good — as long as it’s voluntary.